Love Languages and Emotional Expression in Asian Households

Why Affection May Look Different—and How That Impacts Relationships

When we picture love, we often think of words of affirmation, warm hugs, or deep emotional conversations. But for many who grew up in Asian households, love was shown more quietly. It was in the sliced fruit left on your desk, the ride to school without a word, or the question, “Have you eaten?” These gestures may not fit into mainstream ideas of affection, but they were deeply meaningful in their own way.

The “5 Love Languages” framework—words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and gifts—has helped many people better understand how they give and receive love. However, this model reflects Western norms of emotional expression and often misses the nuances found in collectivist cultures. In many Asian families, love was more often expressed through acts of service and sacrifice than through verbal or physical affection.

A father may never say, “I’m proud of you,” but he makes sure your tires are full before a road trip. A mother may not offer hugs, but she prepares your favorite meal when you’re sick. These are real expressions of love, but if you didn’t know how to recognize them, they may not have felt like love.

This disconnect can shape how we understand emotional closeness and intimacy. If affection growing up was indirect or inconsistent, we may carry that uncertainty into our adult relationships. Some people may struggle to identify their own emotional needs. Others might find themselves overextending in relationships, hoping that doing more will earn the connection or validation they crave.

In relationships, this can lead to subtle tension. You might feel unappreciated if your gestures of love go unnoticed. You might choose emotionally distant partners because it feels familiar. Or you might have difficulty expressing affection, not because you don’t care, but because it wasn’t modeled for you.

These experiences are more common than we realize, especially for those raised in immigrant families where survival and sacrifice were prioritized over emotional expression. But while these patterns can run deep, they aren’t permanent.

Part of healing is about naming what love looked like in your family—even if it didn’t match popular definitions. It’s about making space for complexity: understanding that love was there, even if it wasn’t spoken. At the same time, it’s about giving yourself permission to want more—to ask for softness, openness, and emotional safety in your relationships today.

Learning to express love in new ways doesn’t mean rejecting your roots. It means expanding the language of love to include both where you came from and what you need now.

For many adult children of Asian immigrants, this is an ongoing journey—one that involves unlearning silence, rewriting emotional narratives, and allowing ourselves to be fully seen. Love doesn’t have to be loud to be real, but it also doesn’t have to be quiet to be respectful. There is room for both.

What Can You Do About It?

1. Acknowledge How Love Was Expressed in Your Family
Start by naming the ways your caregivers or elders expressed love—even if it wasn’t verbal. This helps reframe the narrative from “I wasn’t loved” to “Love was shown differently.” That shift can be healing in itself.

2. Identify Your Needs Now
It’s okay to want different or more explicit forms of love than what you were given growing up. Learning your current love language—what makes you feel safe, seen, and supported—can clarify your needs in relationships.

3. Practice Naming Emotions and Asking for Support
Start with simple phrases like “I felt really supported when you did that” or “I need some encouragement right now.” You don’t have to dive into vulnerability all at once—consistency matters more than intensity.

4. Communicate with Curiosity, Not Blame
If you’re in a relationship or friendship where there’s a mismatch in how love is expressed, approach the conversation with openness. “This is how I show love” or “This is what helps me feel connected” invites dialogue instead of defensiveness.

5. Explore This Work in Therapy
Many Asian clients find it powerful to unpack their emotional history in therapy, especially with someone who understands the cultural layers involved. It can help you separate what you were taught from what truly serves you today.

6. Create New Traditions
If emotional expression wasn’t part of your family experience, you get to define what it looks like moving forward. That could be writing thoughtful notes to loved ones, initiating hugs, or even telling friends, “I appreciate you.” These small shifts add up.

Final Thoughts

Love in Asian households may not always look or sound the way we expect. But it's there—layered in effort, responsibility, and quiet presence. The healing work isn’t about rejecting where we came from. It’s about expanding the way we understand love, so we can honor our families and also show up more fully in our present-day relationships.

We can learn new ways of connecting without losing our roots. We can speak new emotional languages without forgetting where we first learned to love.